Dear Competitor,

Squish 'em like a bug, baby

Dear Competitor,

I couldn’t sleep last night and found myself thinking of you. I love competition, both for myself and for my clients. It keeps me thinking (which I enjoy), on my toes (good, because I’m short) and adaptable (which I find, perversely, fun). And while I was thinking of you, I felt compelled to write, just to make sure we’re on the same page on a few things.

And, of course, because I’m nice. And I worry about your business and how it’s going to measure up against me and my clients’ businesses. And just because I’m so doggone considerate, here are my suggestions for your success in 2010 and beyond.

Your Website
Please don’t change it. Not now, and not any time soon. Especially if it was built more than two or three years ago. I’m sure it’s totally up-to-date, optimized for search, well-researched and written with regard to your target audience and just out there working its little tail off for you on a daily basis. Give yourself bonus points if it’s built in Flash or has cool things like music that blares as soon as someone opens the site and or video that starts playing instantly. Those are both such attractive things and users really, really love them. Nevermind effective out the wazoo.

Google Alerts
No matter what anyone says, it really doesn’t matter what people are saying about you or your brand, so cluttering up your email box with pesky alerts from Google is just a waste of time. Plus, you know who you are and what you do, and if anyone has any questions, they can ask you, right? But listening to the social media space and all those Internet crazies, nah. Don’t do it!!

Search Smirch
All these people going on and on and on about “search” and how important it is to show up in search – which means that Google thing, I guess. Lord, but I get sick of hearing about that, too. Well, ignore ‘em. Seriously. When I want to search something, I do it the old-fashioned way, I dig out the Yellow Pages. I see you nodding your head. You do it, too, dontcha? Well, there’s no reason to expect your customers or prospective customers to do it any differently, right? After all, if people weren’t using those doggone Yellow Pages books, they wouldn’t still be delivering them to your front door, now would they? So ignore all that blather about search – people will find you the way they always have. You can count on it.

Social Media
Listen to the people! All the people who say that social media is just a big, fat, time suck are right! Nobody in his right mind cares what people are Tweetering about what they had for breakfast, what someone else is “fanning” on Facebook, or where they are checking in on a daily basis through that FourCircle thing – or whatever the heck it’s called. And for sure, that geolocation stuff blows and is so not worth a second thought. Who needs to know where anyone else is throughout the course of a day? What possible good could come from that, anyway? Never mind that Blippy thing, where people tell other people all what they’re buying and where they’re buying it, for Pete’s sake. How lame is that? Where’s the ROI in all that nonsense, anyway? Time suck. Money suck. No way, Jose. Not for me.

Mobile Marketing – What?
Sure, I use my cell phone and text my husband now and again, but that’s the exception rather than the rule. Heck, I can just call him. And when he doesn’t answer, I leave him a voicemail. And of course he listens to it (it’d be rude otherwise). It’s just what you do. Call people, they answer, you talk. All these crazy people talking about mobile marketing and using text messages as part of a marketing strategy don’t know a hill of beans about good marketing tactics – no one will stand for that garbage. Plus, who needs a coupon on the cell phone – I get mine in my daily newspaper, dude. Never mind how nutty it is to read all that shiggedy about people actually designing stuff – like websites – to be viewed on the dang cellphone. How crazy is that? Nobody does that stuff. Heck, I wait until I’m home and in front of my desktop before getting on the Internet – and everyone else who has a lick of sense does too, don’t you know it?

So, there you have it. I’ve saved you a bunch of time, expense and headaches by doing all the homework for you and sharing my findings. Just keep on keeping on, doing business the way you always have, and things will be just fine. After all, no one likes change and it’s a pain in the neck to learn new things and do things differently. It’s kind of like watering grass in the desert. Just doesn’t make sense.

Now does it?